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Benson
- Not to be confused with Barry B. Benson.
| Benson | |
|---|---|
 Benson | |
| Vital statistics | |
| Title | Disney's biggest ripoff since Lion King. |
| Gender | Indeterminate |
| Born | ca. 250 B.C. |
| Died | ca. 2556 |
| Health | 0.001 |
| Level | 5 Thug |
| Status | Dead |
| Location | Second Chance Antiques (formerly) Ashina |
| Allies | Carl Johnson Vito Corleone |
| Enemies | Woody Mrs. Nesbitt Big Smoke Harry the Fly Kimi Räikkönen Genichiro |
“I had nothing to do with that son of a bitch.”
Benson is a ventriloquist dummy who happens to look a lot like Slappy from Goosebumps. Except he is indeed Slappy's bastard cousin, hired by Pixar with reckless disregard for copyright despite its parent company being overzealous about it.
Benson and his near-identical peers exist for absolutely no reason, apart from being a pack of subservient enforcers for local crime boss Gabrielle "Big Gabby" Vespucci, who ran a protection racket using an antique store as a front for their illegal operations. Gabby appears to be rather confused about his name, occasionally calling him Binson or Vincent especially when his employer is drunk. He once tried starting a union inside the antique store, but none of its denizens expressed interest. He also moonlighted as a rally driver under the pseudonym "Ken Block".
Prior to his career as a dummy, Benson had served as a shinobi bodyguard for some kid named Kuro, who for some reason possessed immortality. Years of mercilessly slaughtering low-rent clowns and feudal lords have taken a toll on Benson, hence why he eventually went back to the Tri-County area in search of work opportunities.
Trivia
- He was awarded "Sexiest Man of the Year" by Sports Illustrated, beating both Woody and Darth Vader.
- He is not related to Slappy in any way.
- Contrary to popular belief, he does not like jazz.
- Is known to smoke the finest catnip in all of New Jersey.
- Is known to have a fierce rivalry with Mrs. Nesbitt.